..........I would become the person I am quickly becoming. I started my parenting thinking everything would follow one straight line. Truth be told, I don't even think I could locate the line I first dreamed of following. Would I want to? If I remember correctly I began with the notion that 2 kids would make our family complete. Things have changed in so many ways.
Mostly what changed that plan was I fell in love with my beautiful faith and saw that God had so much more for me. I jumped in. I kinda steam rolled in. I have a tendency to be super motivated when I want to be...I was super motivated to live my faith in everything I did. And for me...at that time in my life...it was to be open to life. And I've never been happier with my rash excitement and the results.
It's not just how many kids I was going to have for God...it was the ideal education I was going to provide. I was not going to go down the "normal" road with my kids. I was going to classically educate them, all the while gaining an education for myself that I found so inspiring. I would be doing all of this while looking adorable, having kept up my running, while living in a house that is kept up with 90% of the time.
But suddenly 2 years ago my desire to home school VANISHED. Just as quickly as I devoted myself to the whole lifestyle...I abandoned it. It never felt that swift to me, but time gives you perspective. My heart was wondering for awhile...."What if I put my kids in school"???? I needed to know...
And here's what I now can clearly say about myself...I'm an ALL or NOTHING type girl. It's either all the way...no looking back ...or why even bother....
I kept Lucy home this year...until this week. I have nothing left when it comes to home schooling. I tried. I made myself do it. I can't anymore. There is this little strip of guilt and grief I have...have I failed? Did I do something to make all of this go wrong???
Is this wrong? Is is wrong that I now have 4 school age kids attending school...3 kids swim 3 days a week, my oldest does dance and volleyball, my other does band and dance. We are becoming a busy family. For 12 years I kept us at a VERY slow pace...my answer was always no...little kids needed to sleep and I needed to have a few hours every afternoon that were quiet. But things are changing...less people need sleep. More people need more to be engaged in.
I ask Pete..."Are you disappointed that we don't home school anymore?"...I want him to give words to the indescribable confusion I have in regards to that very question...I see him struggle to clarify his own thoughts.
"What we did made us who we are"....that was his answer today...
Our faith is our constant. Being Catholic is our rock. That will never change. How we school, what sports they play, what hobbies I indulge...all will change. But loving God is our bottom line. It is where we begin and end.
I make mistakes...like so many that my shame sometimes feels to much to bare. I recently feel like I made a series of mistakes that have humbled me greatly. I know there is great grace when things feel like they feel right now and I am grateful for it...I need it.
But for now...all I can do is move forward. A new season of lent is right before me. A time of repentance and growth..both things I need.