Tuesday, March 4, 2014

I NEVER THOUGHT....

..........I would become the person I am quickly becoming.  I started my parenting thinking everything would follow one straight line.  Truth be told, I don't even think I could locate the line I first dreamed of following. Would I want to?  If I remember correctly I began with the notion that 2 kids would make our family complete.  Things have changed in so many ways.

 Mostly what changed that plan was I fell in love with my beautiful faith and saw that God had so much more for me.  I jumped in.  I kinda steam rolled in.  I have a tendency to be super motivated when I want to be...I was super motivated to live my faith in everything I did.  And for me...at that time in my life...it was to be open to life.  And I've never been happier with my rash excitement and the results.


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It's not just how many kids I was going to have for God...it was the ideal education I was going to provide.  I was not going to go down the "normal" road with my kids.  I was going to classically educate them,  all the while gaining an education for myself that I found so inspiring. I would be doing all of this while looking adorable, having kept up my running, while living in a house that is kept up with 90% of the time.



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But suddenly 2 years ago my desire to home school VANISHED.  Just as quickly as I devoted myself to the whole lifestyle...I abandoned it.  It never felt that swift to me, but time gives you perspective.  My heart was wondering for awhile...."What if I put my kids in school"????  I needed to know...

And here's what I now can clearly say about myself...I'm an ALL or NOTHING type girl.  It's either all the way...no looking back ...or why even bother....

I kept Lucy home this year...until this week.  I have nothing left when it comes to home schooling.  I tried.  I made myself do it.  I can't anymore.  There is this little strip of guilt and grief I have...have I failed?  Did I do something to make all of this go wrong???

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Is this wrong?  Is is wrong that I now have 4 school age kids attending school...3 kids swim 3 days a week, my oldest does dance and volleyball, my other does band and dance. We are becoming a busy family.  For 12 years I kept us at a VERY slow pace...my answer was always no...little kids needed to sleep and I needed to have a few hours every afternoon that were quiet.  But things are changing...less people need sleep.  More people need more to be engaged in.

I ask Pete..."Are you disappointed that we don't home school anymore?"...I want him to give words to the indescribable confusion I have in regards to that very question...I see him struggle to clarify his own thoughts.

"What we did made us who we are"....that was his answer today...

  Our faith is our constant.  Being Catholic is our rock.  That will never change.  How we school, what sports they play, what hobbies I indulge...all will change.  But loving God is our bottom line.  It is where we begin and end.

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I make mistakes...like so many that my shame sometimes feels to much to bare. I recently feel like I made a series of mistakes that have humbled me greatly.  I know there is great grace when things feel like they feel right now and I am grateful for it...I need it.

But for now...all I can do is move forward.  A new season of lent is right before me.  A time of repentance and growth..both things I need.

10 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for this.... This is where we are, too. And it has been hard for me. I really wanted to keep homeschooling, but it's not what's best for our family. It's hard to let go of what you want! And I just love Pete. He always says the best things! I, too, am blessed to have a husband who supports my schooling choices, no matter what they are. Thanks so much for being you, Lisa - I am blessed to know you!

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    1. Thanks Devin! I feel the same about each of the moms I have met and been inspired by.
      I just wish I got to hang around a bit longer.
      Lisa

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  2. I remember learning years ago that sometimes, God speaks to us through our desires. Of course, these wouldn't be disordered ones ;) It makes so much sense to think that God would then speak to us by taking away those desires as well. Its one thing to go through a rough patch that we need to work through, but if we have the (sometimes overwhelming) sense that "I don't want to do this anymore", that could be our response to God's having taken away our desire to do something, because He doesn't want us to do it anymore. Granted, there have been many days when I've been fed up with behaviors in my house and I've cried "I don't want to do this anymore!!!", but its not motherhood that I don't want to do, its living in chaos caused by disobedience in my children. That just means I"m not living my vocation properly. Homeschooling, per se, does not make one a good parent. Following God's will for our kids, whatever it is, is. :)

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  3. Beautiful! I used to see the About Me blurbs on blogs or on signatures on message boards that said "I'm a Catholic breastfeeding, homebirthing, homeschooling, cloth diapering, non-vaxing Mama of such and such" and that really appealed to me. That idea of having everything so figured out that it could be summed up in a blurb. Now I see that real life can't be boiled down and that yes, it all begins and ends with God. I'm a Catholic Mom, the particulars mean nothing. Thank you for this post. Your family is blessed to have you!

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    1. I know right... To be all the people I desire to be. To do all that I would love to do ... For now I'm just me. Kind of a boring blurb...
      How about this:
      A revert to the Catholic faith, homeschool mom drop out, a sorta average eater who used paper towels and drinks regular milk... And my kids all go to public school.....
      Who wants to " follow" that blurb???

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  4. I followed this same path, complete dedication to homeschooling and then I had nothing left. All I could see where my children fleeing my home because I kept them there trying to hold onto an ideal (what once did exist for us, but then it didn't). We have been very happy following the model of children attending school and then this year I brought the 3 youngest home. Now, I'm torn with what is next. Our faith is our bottom line though, all the rest can change but our faith always remains steadfast and the same! I loved this post, thank you for sharing and I think it shows bravery and grit to make changes that best fit your family (although when it is me, I can't quite feel that confident about it)

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    1. I often think what my story will be over the next few years. If all if this has taught me anything it is I really not in control and who knows what God has planned for me.

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  5. Lisa, you are an amazing woman and mom! And you are correct, being Catholic is your constant. :) Keep up the awesome work! Miss you tons! :)

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  6. Lisa -- When I first was looking into homeschooling, I read so many books and talked to so many people - and the one piece of advice that stuck with me about homeschooling was that you always take it one year at a time. Because your circumstances change, your family changes, your situation changes, your heart changes, etc. I think it's wonderful that you didn't let the IDEA of homeschooling direct making a decision that was best for your family for right now. We have chosen to send our kids back to school when they reach high school, because that is what has worked best for us as a family also. I have two left and home and I'll tell you that it actually gets harder and harder each year to keep homeschooling. I am already wondering what I will do in the last two years when I only have one left at home - is that even fair to him to have him here by himself? I don't know - I just keep praying that God will put on my heart what is best for me and him and our family. Thank you for being real and sharing.

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  7. Lisa, Thanks so much for this post. After my twins were born, my desire to continue homeschooling disappeared. All my enthusiasm just went poof! My oldest is a freshman this year and next year, I'll have three in school. I never thought this would be me and I'm still uncomfortable with not homeschooling, but my enthusiasm is just gone. It makes me sad, but not as much as I thought it would. I have to relieve the pressure valve. I love that you talk about just making the necessary changes and moving on.

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